Fulfilling obligations, sticking to appointments, keeping up with fellowship, and tons of assignments at school. I barely have adequate rest, let alone some “me” time.
This week hasn’t been going well. Falling sick, canceling appointment, crying during skills (I wasn’t scolded in case you’re wondering), going for a job interview unprepared, and waking up late for team training.
I received a stalk of Gerbera with a message from K which says “To cry is to feel, cherish this gift.” I needed it. I don’t know when “compassion fatigue” will kick in while I’m working in an oncology ward, but when it does, I would be so shattered.
Vday with Johnny at Lee’s Taiwanese in Starvista. Ice green milk tea, century egg tofu, beef noodle soup, salt&pepper chicken and intestine meesua (never a fan of intestine but that’s the only meesua). It’s soooooo good.
"Here’s the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That’s what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark.
But Van Houten: The marks human leave are too often scars.
After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about 1 sec I was good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar.
What else, she is so beautiful. You dont get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.”
Gees. To those who laughed at me for reading a young adult novel but are now picking this book up and bawling their eyes out, good for you. hehe. Can’t wait for this movie to be out in SG!
Its so hard to find a common time when we’re 7 hours apart.
I miss you!<3
I have too much to say that I have nothing to say.
It came to a point where certain days each week it’ll be filled with thoughts of the future. It makes my heart ache and I’m exhausted from this sadness because of the realization that there can only be two outcomes in every relationship: Either you break up or you get married.
Some say I’m reading too much into things, that I should only live for the moment. But in my defence as far as the growing up process goes, every once in a while you think/plan for your future, you ask yourself: How is my career going to be like, how am I going to take care of my parents, who are the friends whom I know will be there 5 years on, who am I going to marry, when am I going to settle down?
So if you’re living for the moment, how can you look at your other half and be happy when there isn’t a future for the both of you together?
How is it possible to love someone so much but yet you know you won’t marry him?
Never allowed myself to be truly happy for the fear that this whole thing could fizzle out and I’ll be back to square one again. There is a saying that you become a little less real every second in other people’s eyes whom you are not around anymore. I collect silly stuff and put them in a memory box so I know it is real. Every hugs and kisses tasted so bittersweet. Sometimes it’s so hard to stomach my food with you around. Everytime I look at you I wonder if there’s a future of us.
Are my worries valid? Maybe I’m getting a little too serious. Maybe I should take it lightly. Maybe I’m overthinking. Right. Stop.
You can only give away what you already have inside yourself
"True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force youself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you’ve missed the first step of filling in your own self with these emotions."
I really shouldn’t have form such bad impression of Hong Kong because it didn’t turn out as bad as how people described it to be:)
Anyhooo now I’m back in Singapore!